Soulmates: Are you really made for each other?

soulmatesAs an astrologer I am often asked for an analysis of compatibility between two charts.  “Is this person my soulmate?” is usually the way the question is phrased.  The idea that there is one perfect person who is just made for us, a “twin flame” as it is often described, is a captivating one.  We may feel that once we find this perfect person, who harmonizes with us in every way, we would feel whole and complete and our lives would be made more satisfactory.

What I have seen in the real world is that the longest lasting marriages are not the ones that are most harmonious astrologically.  In fact, some of the longest marriages are perhaps the least compatible.  In the real world we are drawn to people who have qualities which we ourselves do not – the partners that complement us rather than provide merely a mirror or reflection of ourselves.

So :

The concept of soul mates is so romantic. Think of Plato’s description of the original humans, with their four arms, four legs and single heads of two faces, which sounds maybe a little unsettling but becomes so sweet once the mortal puzzle pieces get separated in half and have to find one another to become whole again. Why wouldn’t anyone want to be with someone who was made for them in heaven?

Well, because taking that view of a relationship could ultimately contribute to the couple’s demise, according to  in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. Researchers observed that while there are myriad ways people talk about love, two common ways of framing relationships — the “other half/soul mate” approach and the “our love is a journey, look how far we’ve come” approach — both contribute hugely to the way people view conflict in their relationships, but in nearly opposite ways. For people with a we’re-on-a-journey view of their partners, everyday relationship struggles are just surmountable hurdles along the way. But for “soul mates,” conflicts are more difficult to deal with — after all, if two people are truly “made for each other,” why would they face any conflict in the first place?

“Our findings corroborate prior research showing that people who implicitly think of relationships as perfect unity between soul mates have worse relationships than people who implicitly think of relationships as a journey of growing and working things out,” said Spike W.S. Lee, a social psychology professor at the University of Toronto and one of the study’s co-authors. “

The more we expect our lives to be perfectly harmonious, the more disappointed we will be.  Life is full of ups and downs and the journey of navigating the passages, to me, is really what makes life an amazing gift.

By | 2014-08-06T08:20:45+00:00 August 6th, 2014|Relationships|1 Comment

Why we click with some people and not others

relationship astrologyAs an astrologer, I understand that when we click with some people and not others it’s because planetary interactions between the charts of different individuals manifest differently.  If your Mars (aggression) is in a challenging aspect to my Moon (emotional sensitivity), I may feel threatened or irritated by you.  If your Pluto (power and intensity) sits on my Sun (expression of Self) I may feel overpowered by you.  If your Venus aligns with mine, I will probably love you instantly!

So :

I have always been fascinated by this question.

With some of my friends, we can go for years without connecting. Yet, when we do come back together, it feels like no time has passed.

With other friends, however, the process is much less organic. There seem to be inbuilt “requirements” – which I sometimes feel I should be sensing without needing to be told….yet don’t. …

As my mentor explained, all pots of energy are necessary – and all are desirable. But not all pots of energy mesh well with one another.

When we meet someone who seems to come from our same or similar “pot” of energy, the organic (first kind) of friendship takes place. It is effortless. We just “get” one another. Neither party worries when the other disappears for a time. Intuition and faith guides the connection through its ebbs and flows. There is a natural joy of “getting” another person and being “gotten” by another person in turn – it cannot be manufactured or orchestrated in any way, because the two friends were born from the same pot. They are standing on the same foundation.

I’m not sure this is a satisfying explanation.  I have five or six really good friends, and they seem to come from different “pots of energy” – they really have nothing in common with each other and even though each of them feel simpatico with me, they don’t feel simpatico with each other.

In fact, I connect with each of them in different ways.  One is a friend with whom I share gossipy details and shopping.  One is a friend who is more on my psychological wavelength.  I connect through my esoteric work with one, and in my real estate business with another. Several are friends I play music with, but in different circles.  This “pots of energy” explanation doesn’t really hold up in my world.

As with everything else – the astrological symbolism provides the solution to most of life’s insistent questions.  Why is this happening to me now?  Why do I feel attracted to this person when I know he’s bad for me?  What makes my daughter behave as she does?  Why does my husband drive me crazy when I love him so much?  These questions are not simple and they require non-simplistic answers, but these are all questions for which astrology can provide clues.

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By | 2014-06-17T14:18:43+00:00 June 17th, 2014|Relationships|0 Comments

The astrology of George Clooney’s engagement

George clooney astrology engaged

The world’s most eligible bachelor is off the market – George Clooney has renounced his claim that he will never marry again and has become engaged to Amal Alamuddin, British human rights attorney.

George’s Sun is in Taurus, the sign of earthly delights, stability, security. Taureans crave a peaceful and serene environment and typically do not like change, but because his Sun is conjunct Mercury (the messenger god and ruler of communication and information), there is a part of him that will also crave a variety of experiences. His Moon, representing our need for emotional security, is in Capricorn and it is conjunct Saturn, the planet that rules Capricorn. This is what we astrologers call a “double whammy,” indicating that the Saturn/Capricorn principle of hard work and solitude is fused with his emotional needs. Saturn/Moon people need lots of alone time–often in their childhood they can be extremely lonely and unable to connect, and in later years this becomes a need for solitude in order to refresh one’s sense of safety.

Mars (personal drive and will) is in Leo in George’s chart, and this is where we find his prankster nature and love of practical jokes for which he is well known. Venus (relating to others) is in Aries, showing that George likes to take the lead in relationships. He in fact has been quoted as saying that he likes to be the one that pursues women, and not the other way around. With Mars and Venus both in fire signs (Leo and Aries), he has a natural exuberance. But I suspect very few people are able to get close to George because of the Saturn/Moon conjunction. This conjunction could also be responsible for George’s constant digestive/ulcer problems, since the Moon rules the stomach.

Chiron is a recently discovered planet or planetoid that shows where we have been imprinted with a deep wound that doesn’t heal, but which motivates us to change and evolve. George has Chiron right on the ascendant or rising sign, and it is opposite Pluto, the god of endings and transformation, which conjoins the descendant.

The ascendant/descendant axis describes our inner journey to balance the creation of our own identity (ascendant) with our need to connect with others (descendant).  Chiron on the ascendant shows someone who is driven by their own woundedness to help to find greater expression of healing in their daily life and in the lives of others.  Chiron/Ascendant people are rarely satisfied to find comfort in their inner world, it must be expressed outwardly.

Pluto on the descendant usually suggests intense experiences around relationships, especially marriage or business partnerships.  There can be a fear of relationships because they seem so overwhelming, which they usually are.  We can see how George has avoided the kind of relationships that would lead to marriage by the dating partners he has selected: a porn star, a wrestling queen, models, reality show stars.  Women who were probably wonderful people in their own right, but not the kind of serious relationship prospect that would lead to a marriage of equals.

So why is he ready now for marriage after all these years?  Of course there is the passage of time, which tends to help us to evolve and grow and work through many of our issues so that we can hopefully lead more productive and happier lives.  But there are some astrological factors at work here.

First of all, Neptune, the planet of romance and fantasy, spirituality and yes, illusion, is crossing his ascendant.  This transit can enhance the stars in our eyes and create delusions of love and romance, but it can also open up hearts that have been closed and help to soften our resistance to love.   Also, Uranus, the planet of radical change, is transiting his natal Venus – an influence that can wake up something latent within us and give us a new perspective, turning our previously held beliefs upside down.

George’s progressed Venus has aligned with Mercury in his natal chart, encouraging him to open up his mind (Mercury) to love and relationships (Venus).

The two first met in October 2013 when transiting Jupiter was aspecting both his natal Venus and progressed Venus, activating his desire for love and connection.  Saturn transits to Venus can cause relationship problems since Saturn creates challenges and limitations, but they also can evoke a desire for structure and Saturn is also transiting Venus right now.

There is also a big transit of Pluto (endings and transformation) in a challenging aspect to his Venus that began at the end of February.  Pluto/Venus transits are generally known for ending relationships, but they can also help us to dig more deeply into our inner fears and motivations, giving us the courage to find transformation where our relationships are concerned.  This would not normally be considered the most favorable aspect for marriage but because Pluto is so active in his natal chart this is a time when the inner recesses of his psyche will be unlocked and real change can occur.

I am a big fan of George Clooney and it seems he has met his match.

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By | 2014-05-14T07:25:05+00:00 May 14th, 2014|People, Relationships|2 Comments

Musings on soulmates

soulmate astrologyYesterday I did a reading for a young woman who was reeling from a breakup with a man she considered her soulmate.  She was mystified by the ending of the relationship and was hoping to find some clues that would help her to move on.  This type of situation occurs frequently, and it’s very interesting from an astrological perspective.  Nearly always there is a big transformation that results from the relationship – an opening of the heart, a letting go of emotional baggage – that wouldn’t have happened without this particular relationship.  But then when the transformation is complete the relationship ends if it doesn’t meet the long-term needs of the individual.

Most people are looking for their soulmate, and some who are married too, I suppose. Many people think the soulmate will be their perfect match in every way, perhaps a mirror to reflect their own value back to them. In real life, the soulmate relationship usually doesn’t work that way.

Often when two people meet and feel an immediate connection there is a linkage between their two charts, sometimes a harmonious connection (trines and sextiles) and sometimes a challenging one (squares and oppositions). Often it is the challenging connections that feel more exciting and dynamic, but then once the excitement of the new relationship dies down the intensity of the connection has a tendency to fade, leaving the conflicting nature of the connection to be dealt with. That’s usually when we see breakups, but that is often the point where real soul growth can begin to take place.

There’s no way to definitively prove that some relationships enter our lives to clean up past karma, but I believe that this is true.  In the case of yesterday’s client there were some transits to the nodes (the destiny points) at the time they met, and interactions between their progressed charts that aligned just as they came together.  Significant events occurred that would change both of their lives forever.

In my own experience, the soulmate relationship is not the magical coming together of two personalities that we see in Hollywood movies.  It’s the friendship that ties two people together for a lifetime, perhaps driving each of them crazy but teaching them both important lessons.  It’s the marriage that offers the emotional support for healing that each partner needs in order to fulfill their fate.  It’s the affair which breaks a person out of the prison of their own closed heart and enables them to find true love with their own spouse, or a new one.

Soulmates are individuals that we draw to us to help us to grow and evolve.  Sometimes that process occurs over an evening – sometimes it lasts a lifetime.  A soulmate is not what you think, and so much more.

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By | 2014-01-10T08:53:41+00:00 January 10th, 2014|Relationships|5 Comments

The “Freedom/Closeness” Dilemma in relationships

Breaking Pointe

Breaking Pointe

My new guilty television pleasure is the program “Breaking Pointe,” a reality show about dancers in a ballet company in Salt Lake City.  They ran last year’s season on BBC America which is where I found it, and then this year’s season ran on the CW network.

One of the featured dancers, Allison, is involved in a classic push me/pull you relationship with Rex, another of the dancers.  In this kind of relationship one partner is pushing to be closer and the other one is distancing – pushing away.  However what often happens is that the roles switch and the formerly distancing partner becomes the one who wants to be closer.

In the Allison/Rex dynamic, Allison was involved with another man, Jonathan.  Then she and Rex had an affair and she broke up with Jonathan.  Rex still wanted to be with her and she pushed him away.  Then she realized Jonathan was a jerk and now she wants to be with Rex.  Now Rex is saying, not so fast – I’m not so sure I want this.

Howard Sasportas and Liz Greene coined the term the “freedom/closeness” dilemma to describe the conflict between the basic need to attach and feel safe with another human being and the need to differentiate the Self and become more comfortable as an autonomous individual.  This is a process that begins in infancy but it can become distorted and corrupted in certain family situations.  But really, those of us with this dynamic were born with a prospensity towards this conflict, and this is evident in our birthcharts.

Certain signs and planetary placements crave closeness and security, and others indicate a push for greater autonomy and freedom.  The water and earth signs tend to crave attachment and safety; the air and fire signs yearn for freedom and space.  Neptune, Venus and the Moon are connectors – Mars, Uranus and Jupiter are detachers.

Often in this kind of chart we see an individual who may be completely unaware of their need for space, who longs for connection but who habitually chooses unavailable partners.  Or they might be in long-term relationships in which intimacy is avoided as a means of finding space.  Most often we vacillate back and forth – in one relationship we are the pursuer and in the next we take the role of the pursued.   One individual with an intimacy/distance conflict will nearly always attract another with the same conflict until we understand and recognize that the conflict is actually in our own psyche.

We can see that clearly in the Allison and Rex dynamic.  Allison was unavailable, and Rex wanted to be with her.  Jonathan had moved away and then Allison wanted to be with him.  Then she realized Rex had always been there for her and Jonathan was a bit of a jerk, so she decided she loved Rex after all.  And now Rex says, “Not so fast, lady.  I’m not so sure I want this.”

Astrology’s magic lies in its ability to draw open the curtain and reveal the workings of the psyche.  Once we understand why we behave the way we do, making changes where necessary to lead a  happier and more productive life becomes easier and more rewarding.

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By | 2013-09-20T07:13:29+00:00 September 20th, 2013|Favorite posts, Relationships|16 Comments

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